Published June 15, 2021
The Great Lakes have it all: exquisite natural beauty, exciting wildlife, environmental, social, and economic value—not to mention the fact that they’re one of our greatest freshwater resources!
How could anyone complain, right?
Wrong. Today, I’m taking a look at the one-star reviews for our favourite freshwater destinations. As these enlightened souls will indignantly tell us, the Great Lakes SUCK! They’re too wet! They’re too cold! There’s too much water! There’s not enough water!
Here are 15 hilarious one-star reviews for...
Lake Superior
You might even call it… superior.
As they say, Lake Superior never gives up her dead when the gales of November come early. Just ask the Edmund Fitzgerald shipwreck.
I give this one-star review five stars.
Lake Michigan
I guess... if you consider paragliding and sandsurfing ‘boreing’.
To be fair, in some places it does kind of look like the moon… but did you know that Lake Michigan has ICE VOLCANOES?! Way cooler than waterslides.
Yes, the Great Lakes are often called ‘inland seas’ due to their mahoosive size. But no, they do not have sharks. Or saltwater—at least, they shouldn’t. Also someone definitely needs to check on this reviewer.
Lake Huron
Gee, what did poor Huron ever do to you?
Welcome to Huron Hut, can I take your order? Just kidding. It’s sort of catch your own dinner deal.
Seconded.
Lake Erie
This reviewer has a point. Meet Bessie, the Lake Erie Monster—if you dare.
Yup, nothing worse than finding lots of water and sand... at a beach.
Okay here's the thing. As a warm and shallow lake with nutrient loading from agricultural runoff, Lake Erie is prone to algae growth and blooms. Some algae, like the nuisance algae Cladophora, is pretty gross, but non-toxic. Other algae, like blue-green algae, can reproduce rapidly and become a harmful algae bloom.
Always follow beach advisories for harmful algae, and report it to Spills Action Centre at 1-866-MOETIPS (6638477), TTY: 1-855-889-5775
Lake Ontario
Okay, I actually agree with this one. There are too many hostile ‘segulls’. Leave me and my hot dog alone.
I mean, it’s not like you can see Lake Ontario from space… and it only provides drinking water for like… 9 million people.
What’s grosser than turquoise blue waters and sandy shores? Disgusting.
Did You Know?
While most of these reviews don’t hold water, a couple of them do highlight the very real issue facing our Great Lakes, such as excessive algae growth and misconceptions about where the water is clean enough for swimming.
The good news is that we can all do our part to help the Great Lakes, from using less road salt to make them less salty, to taking 10 easy steps to protect the Great Lakes from climate change.
